ANTI-RESOLUTIONS FOR 2007

As is my tradition, I will make no resolutions about what I’m going to do in the new year, rather, because it just seems to work out better for me, I will resolve not to do the following things:

  • I will not get married.
  • I will not run for public office (carried-over from 2006)
  • I will not, under any circumstances, test any cosmetics, foodstuffs, chemicals, or pharmaceuticals on animals. Plants, however, are open game.
  • I will not dance in public. Probably not in private either, though I reserve the right to do so.
  • I will not take off my shirt while attending any athletic competition, professional or collegiate, regardless of the temperature.
  • I will not drink bleach.
  • I will not, in the waning days of December, say to anyone “See you next year!”.
  • I will not join the Communist Party, unless they’re giving away toasters or something cool like that, in which case I will join, get my toaster, and then promptly quit. Stupid Communists.
  • I will not fake the funk.
  • Finally, I will not, under any circumstances, intentionally at least, juggle chainsaws, wrestle alligators, eat glass, jump my motorcycle over a huge tank of water filled with man-eating sharks, or cross against the light.

Prospero año nuevo, y’all.

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