WHY I AM DISORGANIZED

I realized for the first time today why I’m as disorganized as I am. I learned it the hard way; by trying to get organized.

Let me back up a bit. During the summer, I often can’t sleep at night, so I have two choices: to sit up drinking, moping, and being depressed on the one hand, or, doing something proactive, productive and helpful on the other. I’m sick of doing the former, and truly, I can’t say it has ever really worked out for me anyway, no matter how many times I’ve tried it. So far this vacation I’ve done fairly well. Some steps I’ve taken toward fighting depression have begun paying off, a little, so I’ve been doing a good job (relatively speaking) of spending my sleepless nights doing things that are non-self-destructive in nature.

So that leads me to last night, when I tackled a chore I’ve been putting off for way too long. Yes, I cleaned out my files.

It was awful. No, not the level of labor involved. It was about 75% throwing junk away, 20% putting stuff aside then re-filing it, and 5% seeing the last decade or so of my life represented by paperwork, pictures, and letters.

That was the awful part, the 5%. When you do something like that, all you see is people you love who you’ve lost contact with; people who said they’d always love you, but don’t anymore; people who aren’t alive anymore; debts you may or may not have paid, and all sorts of other depressing reminders of things you’d rather forget.

Do I need that? No, not really. So now it’s mornng, and I’m trying to shake it all off. I’m really glad to have gotten rid of all that junk I tossed out, and I could really use the space I saved, if only to fill with more junk again. But some of that stuff, well, I could have lived happily ever after without ever seeing it again.

One is almost tempted to say to hell with the idea of being an organized human being. Not that I’m in real danger of becoming one anytime soon, mind you. I keep taking baby steps in that direction the older I get however and . . . well . . . it’s almost is enough to put one off one’s quest, you know?

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